Money

I hate it. I really do. I hate it because it does not stretch as far as we need it too. I hate it because my husband doesn't seem to freaking care how it is spent as long as he gets to do his stupid club shit. Which with as expensive as gas is, he should take a hiatus, but will he...no...why would he? Seriously, club meetings are in harve de grace, his work is in hunt valley, and we live in Dundalk...how much gas is wasted every week making that trip? But hell the club must come before what is best for our family. But when I bring up him stepping away until we are more stable he gives me the guilt trip of how he has no other hobbies he does and how its not fair. I have no hobbies that I do anymore...so he can do that stupid club shit, I would love to play softball with a rec league, I would love to be able to go to lunch or dinner with my friends once or twice a month...I don't get to do that. All because of HIS "ministry"...ministry my ass, I'm so freaking resentful that he can't stop being selfish and put Marty and I first. I don't want to have to go to work, but because of HIS "ministry" and the cost of gas, I have to get a job and finding a job, is hard enough without throwing my anxiety in the midst of it all. I can't remember the last time I did something just for myself. I'd love to be able to go get my hair cut, and professionally dyed or to get a pedicure with a friend.  I just hurt. because I try all the time to do what is best for our family, and I feel like he doesnt care. I stress to the point of making myself sick over this. The last 4 nights I maybe got 4 hrs of sleep each night from the anxiety of what this check will look like. The cars need work, the bike needs an oil change, all take money that could come from the extra gas he spends on going out there, oh and buying dinner. Come the f home and eat at home. But he doesn't care, thats how I feel. I love everyone in the club, I really do. I would do anything I could for any of them. But at some point you have to be realistic, and stop borrowing money that can't be repaid so you can go have fun. At some point you have to be an adult and stop relying so much on your parents and friends. What example are we setting for Marty? I mean come on...we have enough to pay bills, and eat at home, and do red box date nights and that is seriously it. I would just say fine you do the bills and firgure everything out. But it wouldn't get done. I did that right after I had marty, and would ask dan before we went to go to eat or to buy something, what our account balance was and he would say, "oh we're ok, we're ok," We bounced checks, and missed bill payments, and had to borrow money from his parents. SERIOUSLY! I feel like I should have walked away than. We can live within our means, is it necessarily fun...no...but we'll be able to put money into savings, and we'll be able to not have to borrow money. Just so frustrated :*(

Toddler bed!

So before I started in with about the training to sleep in a bed and not a crib....I just had to show off a few of these photos...

Most awesome hollow chocolate bunny ever!

he looked so stinking cute with underwear on!

Yesterday dans mom watched Marty and we went for a ride on the bike.

I miss days like this!

So Marty has begun climbing very well, he's always been a bit of a dare devil so I was getting scared that he would climb or fall out of his crib, thankfully a family friend from church had a toddler bed sitting around from her grandson and was kind enough to pass it on. Dan picked it up and put it together on Saturday, we tried nap time on Saturday, but neither Dan or Marty were having any of it, and Marty slept 45 min in his crib, and another hr in our bed. When I say Dan wasnt having it, I mean dan tried to rationilize with a child who's not even two yet...and gave him the choice to sleep in his crib or in his big boy bed...when Marty said no to both dan just plopped him in the crib. Needless to say...I wasn't happy, at not even 2 you dont get a choice of where you will sleep...you get lots of choices and for me that shouldnt have been one of them. That night, I laid Marty down in his toddler bed, and sat next to the bed, and slowly inched my way out of the room...every time he fussed, I reassured him I was still there, until I was out of the room and could shut the door without him fussing. Worked extremely well! SO yesterday we werent home for nap time, and he was sleeping when we got home at 9:30 and stayed asleep until 5:30 this morning (not bad considering I was up moving about at 5 am). Today for nap time, we did things mommy's way, I sat next to his bed and began to inch my way out of his room...while he cried and tried to get out of bed, I calmly directed him back to bed and stood my ground. He tried to play with the blinds a few times, to which a stern no sent him into tears, and flopping back onto his bed, he's not even two and if looks could kill, Id probably be dead 50 times over by now lol. At one point I really had to pee bad, so I told him to stay in bed and went to the bathroom. I than hear a giggle, and mama, from the bathroom I knew he was out of bed. I hollered " You better get you butt back into bed before I beat your hiney!" When I walked back in he was sobbing, and his teddy bear,which was previously on the floor, was back in bed with him, I think I may have freaked him out a bit lol. so 45 min later, I was able to take these pics....hopefully it will get easier with time to have quiet time or nap time!

Potty training...

is for the birds...I mean seriously...we parents do all the work, trying to cajole our kids into peeing and pooping on the potty....every 10 min tantrums about not wanting to sit on the potty...but wanting the candy that goes with it...sit for 2 second....expect a piece of candy....and this is only day 1....I want to give up....or give him to someone else to potty train him....he loves his big kid underwear...the first accident he was upset....the second one....not so much....maybe its still to early...he didnt pee once on the toliet this morning....maybe Ill just wait and talk to his new dr about it....

In other news....I have been off of my medication for a month or so now....I also didnt tell dan that I went off of them...he'd ask if I needed my medication or if I had taken it...and Id say no....we fought for 3 weeks straight....before I came clean and told him that I actually feel better off of it...my home is staying cleaner...and I am more active....everyone else but Dan noticed a change for the positive....probably because he thought I was being bitchy about cleaning all day for him and Marty to screw it up in a matter of seconds....or him not cleaning up after himself...or him not remembering to get gas money from me and me having to move money over to checking from savings, for an emergency...which really would have been a non-emergency if he had paid attention to his gas tank Gage and gotten gas money from me....which is another thing...I should be able to give him his gas money on Friday when I go to the bank...but if he has money and its allotted to something else...he has a tendency to spend it on what he wants instead of what it is actually for which makes a budget pretty much useless unless I hold onto all of the cash we took out of the bank. I am hoping that by being off the medication I will start to lose weight at a faster rate....right now I dont think Ive lost any weight...Ive actually started making spicey food and attempting to gag it down in hopes I will boost my metabolism. I also think that if I could get this awful mirena out Id loose weight....but than what do we do for birth control....we dont have money to be buying condoms all the time....and anything hormonal for me is just a bad idea all together...also most drs wont snip a man until he's in his 30's because it causes a higher chance in developing prostate cancer...plus, once we become more stable I'd like to have another kid....I love our little family...but I feel like we're missing something if that makes any sense?


I dunno...Im so hungry...just realized I havent ate anything but maybe two mini- m&m's today....that surely will not help with losing the weight....

alrighty then...

So, I sent the one letter, and he sends me a message back, stating he's not ignoring me, just really busy....so busy, he's constantly signed on facebook, and pinning things to pintrist? Seriously, a short msg back saying hey, I'd like to talk about this later or no Im not interested in being friends anymore would work fine, but dont pull bullshit like I'm too busy. But from this particular person, I guess I should expect nothing less. Anyway, went to the gym today...even though I didnt feel up to it, and it was awesome! I came home, showered got marty up and dressed, and fixed us breakfast, been trying to be productive but marty has had other plans for today....so I am going to start going through his toys, in an attempt to declutter our living room...ttyl!

i feel

lonely, so I sent the one letter to said ex, and no reply...granted it was sent via facebook, and not hand written or in an email, but I know said ex has been on since said letter was sent...and nothing....so I guess that answers my question of where we stand, and I will just back off and leave things as they are, as I probably should have to begin with. The other letter I have no idea how I would get to ex friend, unless I sent it to her parents house...which I guess would be the most reasonable thing to do...so maybe Ill try that soon. I really feel isolated, and in some ways, I miss not being a mom, and not having responsibilities, and just being able to pick up and go. I miss being confident, and feeling good about myself. I am trying do hard to lose the weight I gained while pregnant, and while on a medication for ADD. I miss having energy, I miss being myself. I feel like I short changed myself by staying with Bobby for 5 years of my life, and dont get me wrong I love Dan whole heartily, but I kind of wish I had allowed myself to be a bit of a wild child before settling down. Ugh, I really shouldnt watch sappy movies. Alrighty Im done whining....

Dear...

So, I was considering writing two people, who I'm not really friends with anymore letters. But I have no nerve to actually write it and send it. So Ill write it here, and get my readers opinion first.

Dear Ex,

 So while we talk occasionally, I feel like things are still left unsaid, and are pretty awkward between us.  I miss being friends with you, I miss the closeness and the trust we had for each other. Most days, especially now, I wish that we hadn't dated. While dating did knock you off that pedal stool I had you on and made me really see you, it in the processes hurt our friendship. I know after we dated, my behavior was incredibly childish, and immature, but at 17, I didn't know how to lose my best friend gracefully, and I was in so much pain from that, and as awful as it sounds I wanted you to feel a fraction of that pain, or to know that you were hurting, too. In the process of that behavior though I lost who I was at my core, and those actions set me on a pretty destructive path. But here we are are a decade later,  kind of friendly with one another again, me with a kid and you with one on the way, and all I can think about is how I miss my best friend. So I guess, let me know what your thoughts are, and I understand if you don't feel the same way.
Sincerely,
Cassie

and the second letter...

Dear ex-friend,

    I just wanted to say hi, and that I am sorry for how our friendship ended. I still see your sister occasionally, and I always tell her to tell you and you family I said hi. I know its been years, and that your really busy. But if you are ever in dundalk and want to get together, I am willing too. There's alot we've missed out on in each others lives, and I miss being your friend.

Sincerely,
Cassie


In other news, a different friend from high school contacted me today, and wants to set up a playdate with our little ones, so that should be fun! Im excited!

Lent and other updates....

So, it is now the time for lent, and to be completely honest besides giving stuff up, I am not entirely sure what the purpose of Lent is...I probably should look that up since I have decided that I am giving up soda completely, but I am also making a commitment. Everyday during lent, I am committing to getting up, dressed to my shoes, and making my bed. I am also committing to not going to bed with dishes in the sink and as long as I completely those goals, I am not going to beat myself up with how my home looks, now that being said, I am still going to make an effort to clean up around the home. I am just am not going to beat myself up if my to do list isn't completed by the end of the day, in fact, I may not even write a to do list....while I like checking everything off of my list, seeing that list...stresses me out, overwhelms me, and than I accomplish nothing...my long term goal, is that hopefully by the end of 40 days, I will have myself in an awesome routine once again...and have lost some weight while I am at it. At the very least, I would like to have my home a good working order before having to start job hunting hard core again...I have enjoyed spending this time with Marty, and have no desire to leave him for work.

That being said, I want to move on to another topic, and something else I really would like to work on, how flaky of a friend I have become. I, by nature, am a home body. I like lounging around, reading a book, watching tv, and playing on Facebook. Facebook, has helped me to become even more of a homebody, and an even flakier friend. While, there are many friendships of mine that I am not bothered that I have allowed to fall to the wayside, their are others that I once valued highly, and I miss those people immensely. Occasionally, we may talk through Facebook, or a text, I miss the closeness I once shared with them, and the friendship. A few of those friendships, fell apart because of my childishness and stupidity, and others from their childishness and stupidity. I guess I just wish that I knew how to go about rebuilding those friendships. I have maybe one friend, that knew me throughout high school, and even our friendship is strained because of his wife, and my dislike of her parenting style or lack thereof.  There are two people, who I wish with my whole heart, I could be friends with once again. One, I have contact with two of her siblings, but not her. The other I have contact with him, but with being an ex, and how strained our friendship was after we broke up, and how immature and childish I was, I don't know how that would work. I just remember when we were younger before we dated, that I always imagined us at least being friends, and our kids being friends, and our families being close and to not have that, hurts. Since my friendship with both of these people dissolved, I have found it difficult to form new close friendships, most of that out of fear. I have found it difficult to let anyone close, and those that I did allow close after those instances, just stabbed me in the back, which made forming other friendships even harder because I was afraid of getting hurt again. how can I move forward, when I feel like the past keeps pulling me back?